


In Exile

by dragonfly_moonlight



Series: Life's Tragic Circumstances [3]
Category: Mach GoGoGo | Speed Racer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-16
Updated: 2011-04-14
Packaged: 2017-10-17 01:12:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonfly_moonlight/pseuds/dragonfly_moonlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With her life in shambles, Trixie does the one thing she never thought she'd ever do: She goes into exile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Speed Racer or the character of Trixie, and I do not profit financially from writing this. All OCs belong to me. Please ask for permission first.
> 
> Any and all song lyrics belong respectively to the artists who wrote and sang them.

Lonely. That's what she had been since the whole fiasco had begun. Lonely. And it was a loneliness that time could not fill. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she stared at herself in the mirror, a suitcase lying open on the bed and clothes strewn about.

'I can't live like this. It's been a lie. One huge lie. Oh, Speed, I'm so sorry.'

"Trixie, darling, are you all right?"

Startled out of her reverie and moment of self-pity, Trixie Prescott whirled around to see Genevieve standing behind her.

"I-I'm fine," she stammered, wiping away the tears. "Why would you ask me that?"

"Well, for starters, you're in a loveless marriage to my son and your heart yearns to be with another," the older woman replied succinctly. "Plus Taylor isn't going to be happy when he gets home when he hears what his father and I have to tell him."

"And what's that?" Trixie asked, sitting down on the side of the bed.

"Well, you two have been married for six months and the marriage hasn't been consummated," Genevieve explained, sitting down on the other side of the bed. "His father and I agreed it would be best to have the marriage annulled. So, as of right now, you are no longer Trixie Prescott."

Trixie blinked. Had she heard that right? Her own mother- and father-in-law had had her marriage annulled? She was free?

"You heard me right," Genevieve continued, as if reading her mind. "You're no longer our daughter-in-law, though I must say I really like you, Trixie. But I must not be selfish and neither can my husband. It is the best thing. For everyone."

'I'm free,' her heart leaped for joy. 'I can go anywhere I want. I can go back to Speed!'

"Thank you, Genevieve," she murmured. "You have no idea as to what this means to me."

"Oh, I think I do," the older woman winked. "Now finish packing. Taylor won't be home for a few more hours and it'll be better if you're not here when we tell him the news."

"Right," Trixie nodded and stood up. The older woman took her leave. Trixie grabbed everything she had brought with her to her new home, an indescribable happiness filling her heart.

'This is great. I can't wait to see Speed again. I'll set things right. I swear I will. I don't care if Taylor follows me there to stop me, I will make amends with Speed.'

She stopped suddenly, an icy feeling creeping through her blood. Taylor. Following her. She remembered what Torie had told her once, about how Taylor had hounded her, even after she had gotten involved with Ryan, her now deceased fiance'. If he had hounded Torie like that, what would he do with her? They had been married, after all. And Speed had been in a terrible accident a year and a half ago. There would be no way her former beau could stand up to an irate ex-husband.

'I can't do that to him . . . I can't put him in danger like that. Oh, God, Speed, what have I done? Where can I go? Who can help me out of this?'

With a renewed burst of speed, Trixie packed her suitcase and ran out the door. She knew of one person who could help her, someone who wasn't afraid of Taylor Sirius Prescott the Third, Esquire. Torie Cronkhite.


	2. The Plan

"Dude, you're picking a most inopportune time to leave," Torie said, glaring at the tall, blonde-haired man who stood before her. She rubbed her hands over her swollen belly, noticing as her child kicked her with each stroke. "I was looking forward to having you here when this kid's born."

"I know, bird," he sighed. "I want to be here, but I can't stay. I gotta get out of Philadelphia for a while. There are places I need to be. I can't explain it any better than that. I'll leave a forwarding address for you, okay? Then you can send me the birth announcement and pictures."

"You better, Killer," she snapped, pointing a finger at him. "And I want to hear from you on a more frequent basis than the last time." She then exhaled. "I do know where you're coming from. I should have expected this to happen. You'd been living here for more than two years. You're hardly here that long."

"Yes, mother," he smirked, causing her to swat at him. Kyler, a.k.a. Killer, just chuckled. Torie grinned. She knew she'd miss him while he was away. He had the lightest personality out of the men that she knew, and he never failed to put a smile on her face, especially when she was in one of the worst funks ever. Still, she accepted the fact that Kyler loved to travel. He had the wanderlust of a kender**, she had joked once, and he had agreed.

"When are you leaving?" she inquired just as someone knocked on her door. They turned their heads, Torie frowning.

"Were you expecting anyone else, bird?"

"No," she shook her head. "No one's off from work yet."

Torie pushed herself off the couch and made her way to the door. Standing outside her door was the last person she ever expected to see and she quickly swung it open.

"Trixie Prescott."

"Actually," the young woman smiled faintly, a suitcase in hand, "it's Trixie Vanderbucks now. Genevieve and Taylor Senior had the marriage annulled."

"Annulled?" she blinked.

"Yes. I need to get out of town and fast. Could you help me? Please?"

"I'm not sure I can," Torie frowned. "Unless you hitch a ride with Kyler when he leaves. But it has to be okay with him first."

"Who?"

"Me," Kyler stated as he stood up. "I'm heading out of town tomorrow morning."

"For how long?" Trixie inquired.

"Indefinitely," Torie replied. "Come on in and I'll explain it to you."

Hesitantly, the younger woman stepped inside and looked around. The walls were bare and the furniture, which had been minimal to begin with, was even more so, if that were possible.

"This place has changed," she observed.

"Yeah, well," Torie grinned slightly. "I do have a baby on the way and I'm planning on moving out. I want more space for the cats, the dogs, me and the baby."

"I see."

"Have a seat and I'll get us some drinks."

Torie walked into the kitchen as Trixie shrugged out of her jacket and sat down.

"Okay, about Kyler . . . He's our great traveler."

"I stole Torie's position," he smirked. Torie heard it in his voice.

"But not by much," she stated. "See, he likes to travel around the world. He's been gone for weeks on end, sometimes even being gone for at least a year, though never longer. He also hardly stays longer than a year. This time around, he's lived in Philadelphia for two years. The second longest run since college."

"And if I start to run out of money, I usually find an odd job or two to keep myself going."

"It's a very nomadic existence," Torie said, carrying out a tray with some tea, some mugs, and a tea kettle. "When he comes back, he usually crashes with James, Robert, or C.J. Mostly C.J., though."

"Why do you choose to do that, though?"

"Gotta do something when the inspiration is nearly exhausted," he shrugged.

"Oh. I see. You're an artist then?"

"We're both writers," Torie explained. "And we have our own ways of dealing with inspiration loss. Now, Trixie, you must think about this carefully. I know you've traveled around on planes and everything with your ex-boyfriend but traveling with Kyler is different. Vastly different. When he goes into other countries, he tends to hitch-hike a lot. You have to decide if that's how you really want to live. Do you understand?"

"I do," she nodded.

"Then think it over. You can spend the night here, if you'd like, or you can crash wherever Kyler's crashing tonight, just in case."

"Especially since I haven't told her exactly when I'm leaving," he winked.

"Right," Torie glanced at him. "So what time are you leaving?"

"Six a.m. I'll be driving at first, heading for the west coast. The P.O. Box is already set up there and I'll have my mail forwarded to wherever I land. Jack's offered to put me up for a few weeks. I can call him to make sure it's okay for Trixie, should she decide to come with me."

"Sounds good. Now . . . who's hungry?"


	3. Trixie's Decision and Torie's Advice

Trixie stared out the window, the early morning light displaying a city waking up. By the door sat her luggage. In another hour, she'd be walking out the door with a man she had just met the day before to some unknown destination. All to escape a man who had been her husband.

'I wish things hadn't played out like this,' she thought as the sun rose over the city. 'If only I had listened to Speed more than Taylor.'

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Trixie turned her head to see Torie standing behind her, the older woman looking exhausted yet surprisingly awake. She wondered how anyone could function the way that Torie did.

"It's nothing," she murmured, averting her eyes.

"Really? Looks to me like you could be kicking yourself in the ass," Torie commented lightly, sitting in a chair next to her. Trixie shot her an odd look.

"How did you . . .?"

"Know? I didn't," she shrugged. "I just guessed by the morose look on your face."

"You must think I'm pathetic," Trixie sighed, tears threatening to overtake her.

"What I think doesn't matter, Trixie. It's what you think that does."

"But I've done some pretty stupid things . . ."

"Don't we all? What's done is done, Trixie. There is no sense in beating yourself up over the road not traveled."

"Huh?" Trixie glanced at her.

"In other words, learn to get rid of your regrets. They only hold you down." Torie took a sip of Coke. "You have decisions to make. Places to go. You can't enjoy yourself if you keep kicking yourself in the ass. Take responsibility for your actions."

Trixie's eyes never left the older woman next to her. She couldn't believe what she had just said. Getting rid of regret? Did she even know what she had just said? How can one live without regret?

"You are unbelievable," she murmured.

"How's that?"

"You say learn to get rid of your regrets. You make it sound so easy."

"Funny you should say that," Torie chuckled. "Racer X said the same thing to me six months ago."

"Well, you do. You make it sound easy and it isn't. Regret . . ."

"Is for the weak and for those who want to wallow in self-pity. It sounds harsh, I know, but I've learned to live without regret. What's done is done." Torie stood and turned to walk away.

"You mean you have no regrets?"

She stopped.

"Just one, Trixie. Just one . . . and there's nothing I can do to change it so I'm not going to worry about it."

"Did it have to do with Ryan? This one regret?" she asked, wanting to know yet dreading the answer.

"No. My grandfather."

"Your grandfather?"

"Hm," she nodded "My grandpa . . . the one man I wanted to walk me down the aisle, the one man no one thought would die at the tender age of sixty- three. And I . . . I was fifteen."

"What happened?" she whispered.

"He died of cancer. The last time I saw him, he wanted a kiss from me . . . something I didn't give because I had a cold. Something I was told not to give if I felt even the slightest bit sick."

"I'm sorry, Torie."

"Don't be. You weren't there, you didn't know. Hell, I thought I'd see him again after that day. I didn't know. That's why they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, Trixie. You . . ."

A knock on the door interrupted what she was about to say next.

"Must be Killer," she murmured, heading for the door. "The question is . . . are you sure you want to go through with this?"

Trixie took a deep breath then nodded. It was her life, her decision. She had to go through with it. For her sake and for Speed's.

"Oh, by the way, Trixie . . ." She looked up to see Torie standing in front of the door, one hand on the knob. "If you want to send Speed something, have Killer send it to me and I'll send it to him. He's been improving greatly these last six months."

"You mean that? You'd . . . do that for me? Could you tell him that I was here and that I'll be in touch as soon as I can?"

Torie nodded then opened the door. Killer stood on the opposite side, a pair of sunglasses shoved to the top of his head. Her exile would begin the instant she walked out the door . . .


	4. No Regrets

_"Watching me, wanting me . . . I can feel you pull me down. Feeling you, loving you . . . I won't let you pull me down."_

"Hey, bird, we're stopping."

Trixie opened her eyes to Killer shaking her gently as he pulled into a truck stop. She readjusted herself so that she sat up fully then rubbed her eyes. She couldn't recall falling asleep.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Since we left Philadelphia," he replied. "Probably about three or four hours."

"Oh . . ." Trixie gazed out the window as Killer pulled next to a pump. Climbing out, she stretched her legs then made her way inside. As she browsed through the snacks, Trixie smiled a little. If it had been her and Speed on this journey, Spritle and Chim Chim would be with them. And they'd be asking for all sorts of candies and snacks. And sodas. Trixie idly wondered where exactly everything those two ever ate went to as she picked up some gummi worms, a bag of Doritos, and some Cokes. Killer had walked in just as she had finished paying for everything, including the fuel.

"We're all set," she stated.

"You paid for the gas?" he blinked. She nodded, and Killer shook his head. "You're as bad as Torie," he remarked.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help!"

"I know. That's what she says, too," he grinned. "Here." He handed her the keys. "You can drive for a while, kay?"

"Okay."

As she waited for him, Trixie rested her chin on the steering wheel. Doubt nibbled at her as she stared off. Was she doing the right thing, running away from Taylor like this? He had lied to her and on more than one occasion. Should she just abandon Speed once more? So many questions and she had very little answers.

"Something wrong, bird?"

Her heart nearly leaped out of her chest at the sound of Killer's voice.

"Don't do that!" she snapped. "You scared me!"

"Sorry," he grinned again. "It's just we've been sitting here for five minutes and you looked rather . . . sad." As he spoke, his expression turned from amusement to seriousness and concern. "Everything all right?"

"Oh . . . Just thinking," she replied, starting the car. It took her a few minutes to get back on track, but she managed. She felt grateful Killer had gone over their route before they left Torie's apartment. At least on the way to California, she would not be lost as she currently felt.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know," she murmured. Killer tilted his head slightly, as if studying her.

"Wondering about your decision to leave the way you did?" he asked.

"Yeah," she nodded after a moment. She wanted to feel surprised he had guessed, but she could not must the emotion. 'Besides,' she said to herself. 'He was there when I talked to Torie last night. He knows I'm leaving Philadelphia to get away from Taylor and the stupid things I've done.'

"Regretting it a little?"

"A little," Trixie conceded.

"That's to be expected. You're what, nineteen? Twenty?"

"Nineteen, yeah."

"And Torie gave you her no regrets speech, right?"

"Mm-hmmm."

Killer chuckled. "Yeah, she's good for that. Maybe that's why everyone likes her so much. Nice yet bitchy. Listen to her words. She has been there before and hasn't forgotten what it's like to be there."

"She doesn't seem like she's grown up," Trixie smiled.

"You're as old as you feel, they say. With Torie, it's true. She feels no different now than what she did at sixteen . . . except maybe that she's a lot happier now than what she was then."

"So you've learned to live with no regrets?"

"No regrets here, bird", he said. "No regrets at all. If I feel like it's something I could regret, I do something about it. Can't wallow in self-pity and lament over the road not taken. Torie would hit me if I did that."

"What if the decision you've isn't a right one?" she asked. "What do you do then?"

"It's never too late to change your mind," Killer said. "If you want to go back to Philadelphia, or to head to Michigan, we can always do that. It's entirely up to you."

"I know . . . I just don't want to put him through anything more. He's been through so much already. I don't want to hurt him more than I've done already."

"I think you underestimate his strength, Trixie," Killer said. "Just like I think you underestimate yourself."

"Huh?"

"I'm saying that if you want to go to him then go to him. Don't make you and him both suffer. To make him wait for you will only hurt him worse."

"I . . . can't go to him . . . Not yet."

"Then it sounds like you need to discover your own strength, bird."

"I'm not a strong person, Kyler," she murmured sadly. "Look at what I did to the one I love . . . I believed someone else's lies over him. I never even gave him a chance to explain. I need to stay away . . . if only for a little while."

"It's up to you, bird."

"I know . . ." Trixie nodded then frowned. "Why do you call everyone bird?"

"I don't call everyone bird."

"You've called me and Torie both bird. Why is that?"

"Ah . . . Because babes are beautiful, like birds! That's why!"

Trixie laughed. An honest to goodness laugh, something she hadn't done in what felt like an eternity.

"You're something else, Kyler. You know that?"

"That's what I'm told."

They fell silent for a few moments, the CD playing song after song. Despite her guilt, a part of Trixie felt lighter. She also felt scared. Her heart raced as she thought of where she was heading and what she could be doing. The world had become a big unknown to her.

"What's in California, Kyler?"

"A buddy of mine. His name is Jack. He lived in Philly for a while."

"Then where are you going after that?"

"Japan."

She wanted to ask him more, but she refrained. Somehow, she believed he did not know where he was going once he felt his time in Japan was up. After he had left, she and Torie had talked, and one thing Torie had commented on was how much Killer sat and listened to the wind. Trixie thought she meant metaphorically, but Torie immediately nixed the notion. Killer _literally_ listened to the wind, she said. It was a strange sight to see, but the wind never led Killer astray. It was a way to relax and take in the world one breath at a time.

 _"I got my socks drying in the microwave . . ."_

"I can't believe she put that song on here!"

Trixie laughed as he groaned about the song. No regrets. Torie and Killer had both told her to not live with regrets. They both had told her she was able to change her mind at any time and travel the path she felt best. That's how she needed to look at this situation. What's done was done and her decision made. She wanted to see where this exile would take her.

'Time to live with it,' she thought as they continued down the turnpike. 'I just hope Speed will understand someday.'


	5. On the Road of Life

Trixie sighed as she stretched her legs out. They had been on the road for four days, each one taking turns driving. She had to admit, it wasn't like driving around with Speed. Speed had always been serious, dedicated, even off the racetrack. He focused solely on the destination most of the time. Killer had a laid back sort of attitude, like the world had become his own personal playground, yet he didn't walk with an air of arrogance. Simply put, he loved to have fun and nothing could ever dampen his spirits.

'And we're almost there,' Trixie thought. 'Another day or so and we'll be in Los Angeles . . . Where Jack lives.'

Over the last four days, Trixie had asked Killer a lot of questions. Some of them concerning Torie and Ryan but most were about Jack. How had they met? What kind of a person was he? Why did he live in California when most of his friends lived in Philadelphia? She thought that Killer would have bitten her head off because of her constant inquiry but he did no such thing. Every question was answered kindly and with a joke. She just didn't know how he could do it.

"I think we should pull over for the night, bird," Killer suddenly spoke up, interrupting her train of thought. "I don't think I can handle anymore time in that car."

Trixie looked at him then nodded. It would delay their arrival time but she decided not to voice her opinion. With Killer, it was a we'll-get-there- when-we-get-there-so-why-hurry attitude.

"I think there's a Motel 6 around the corner," she offered. "We can stay there for the night."

"Sounds good," he grinned. "Let's go."

Trixie nodded and they climbed into the car. Within minutes, they had a hotel room for the night and pizza on the way. As they waited, Trixie looked over at her traveling companion.

"Hey, Killer . . ."

"Yeah?"

"Why are you treating this like a leisurely drive in the countryside? Aren't you anxious to see your friend again?"

"I am," he replied, stretching out on his bed. "But it's more fun to take your time and enjoy the sights. You only get to go down the road of life once."

"The road of life?" she echoed.

"Yeah. The road of life. Haven't you heard that expression before?"

"Well, yes," she began.

"And the expression, You've only got one life to live?"

"Uh-huh . . ."

"Then you should know that it doesn't make any sense to hurry like there is no tomorrow."

"But what if there isn't a tomorrow?" she prompted. "Shouldn't you seize the moment that you're in?"

"Bird, that goes without saying," he smiled. "Of course, you should seize the moment you're in. That's what life is all about. But you should never be in a hurry to get there. After all, the road to the destination is just as much fun as the destination itself."

"I'm not sure I understand," she frowned.

Killer sat up straight, his expression furrowed. Trixie tilted her head, her gaze still on him.

"Ever take a trip with your parents to a major amusement park?"

"Well, yeah. That was a given," she smiled.

"Did you fly or did your parents drive there?"

"It depended on the location," she replied. "If it was in the U.S. and we could drive to get there, we drove."

Killer nodded. "And did you guys just drive? Or did you take your time and see the sights?"

Trixie paused for a moment and thought about it. Her mother had been a historian of sorts. They had always driven to Mackinac Island to see if they had uncovered anything in Fort Mackinac then strolled around the island with a picnic lunch. Trips to Philadelphia, Orlando, New York . . . the same. Always stopping somewhere, always taking the time to just relax.

"We took our time and saw the sights," she answered. "Mainly my mother's doing but it was still a lot of fun."

"That's how life is, Trixie. It is a road that we travel on but if we're always in a hurry to get somewhere and not take the time to take stock of what's around us, we lose our purpose for living. There are some people who take the road as far as the next block or the next county and decide, this is as far as I want to go. Then there are others who don't. People like Torie. People who always want to see and do more and make the most of the time that they do have."

"Even more so now?" Trixie inquired softly. She had not forgotten the accident that took the life of Torie's fiance, Ryan O'Connell. Killer blinked then nodded in understanding.

"Even more so now," he agreed. "No one goes without tragedy in their lives. The road of life was never meant to be easy. The decisions we make only increase the difficulty or the ease. It just depends on the situation and the will of the person."

'So true,' she mused as she fell backwards onto her bed. 'So true . . . I just hope to be able to remedy the mess I've made. But I'll travel down this road. So long as it takes me back to Speed.'


	6. In the Land of the Fun and the Sun

_"Scars heal. Glory fades. And all we're left with are the memories made. Pain hurts but only for a minute. Your life is short so go on and live it cuz the chicks dig it."_

Trixie groaned as the country song reverberated downstairs, almost at full blast. Six days . . . They had been in Los Angeles for six days and she had to find any one of Killer's friends there that took anything seriously. Jack seemed like he took a lot seriously but she couldn't tell. The first time she had met him had been six days ago and that had been the only time she'd seen him. She couldn't say if that had been the only time Killer had seen him. Killer tended to stay up late and party. Something Speed had never done.

Trixie sighed and rubbed her eyes. 'No sense in trying to sleep once they're awake,' she thought, climbing out of the bed. 'I wonder how Speed's doing.'

After her morning routine, Trixie shuffled her way down the stairs, yawning as she went. Five more days and Killer would be leaving once more. Two first-class flights to Japan. She hadn't been there since Speed had raced there, running into a gang of ninja assassins.

'It'll be nice to go there again and do a little sight-seeing,' she smiled sleepily.

"That's a first," a light tenor joked. "A smile first thing in the morning. Most people around here won't crack a smile until coffee's been served. Even Torie doesn't smile first thing in the morning."

Trixie blinked, her eyes focusing on the long, blonde-haired man as he lounged in an oversized easy-chair, his legs swinging casually over the sides. He wore a pair of sunglasses, though the sun had only been up for maybe an hour or so, and his hair had been pulled back into a pony tail.

"J-jack . . ."

"That's me," he grinned. "What are you doing up this early? Given the hour you went to bed, I figured you'd be sleeping still."

"Oh," she blushed slightly. "The music woke me up."

"Sorry about that," Jack said sheepishly. He then reached over and turned the music down to a more tolerable level. "I'm not used to having an underaged person in the house. Everyone's usually drunk or hungover in the mornings. I blast it to annoy them."

"So I've noticed," she commented, taking a seat across from him. "How do you stand it?"

"Not very well," he admitted with a slight chuckle. "Sorry I haven't been much of a host, by the way. The job keeps me busy. Thank goodness my time here is almost over with."

"You're not staying in Los Angeles?"

Jack shook his head. "No. I miss working with Torie and Robert and hanging out with my friends in general. L.A. is too much of a party town for me. Of course, Philly can be a party town, too, but not quite like L.A."

"Outgrew it, huh?" she chuckled.

"Long time ago," he nodded. "So . . . since you're up, would you like some breakfast?"

"Sure," she smiled. "You fixing?"

"Hell, yeah," Jack smirked, standing up. "Someone around here has to be a little bit responsible."

Trixie followed him into the kitchen, where he began pulling out frying pans and food out of the fridge. In moments, he'd prepared eggs, sausage, and hash browns complete with toast and orange juice.

"This is delicious," she stated. "Beats cold pizza in the morning."

"Mmm-hmm."

Silence. They ate for a few moments, Jack occasionally taking a drink of coffee in between bites. He broke the silence when he set his cup down.

"Killer tells me you were married to Taylor Prescott . . ."

"For a while," she admitted reluctantly. She remembered what Torie had told her about Taylor and how he harassed her and her friends constantly. "But it was a mistake. It shouldn't have ever happened."

"Is that why you're traveling around with Killer?"

"Kind of . . ."

"I see . . ."

They fell silent once more then Jack spoke up again. "You're out trying to find yourself."

"Huh?"

"This little journey you're on . . . You're out to find yourself," Jack repeated. "And, once you do, you're going to go back to the one you feel you've lost."

"Yeah," Trixie nodded. "When I'm sure of myself, I'll go back to Speed and make amends. I should have listened to him before cutting him loose like that. It was my fault that he ended up in the hospital for a year."

She buried her face in her hands, her diminutive frame shaking from the sudden bout of sobbing that had struck her. She couldn't help it. Every time she remembered her two visits to St. Mary's, to see him lying helpless in a hospital bed, it scared her. Because she had jumped to a conclusion, it had nearly cost Speed his life. She remembered what Mrs. Racer had told her and the thought of never seeing his sparkling blue eyes again chilled her to the core.

"Blaming yourself will get you nowhere, Trixie. You, like Speed, will have to come to terms with what happened. There is only one way in life and that's forward. Not backwards, left or right, or coasting in neutral. Just forward."

"Just forward?" she echoed.

"Yes. Forward. The road itself may curve or you may find yourself having to decide between left or right but you're always moving forward. Even if you head back to where you started from, you're always moving forward. Always."

"Is that philosophy from Torie?" she inquired.

"Who else?" he winked. "She's the only person I know who can be dead serious one moment then be a total spas the next. She's quite the trip sometimes."

"She seems to have quite the impact on people," Trixie observed, though not bitterly. Torie had been kind to her, even though she didn't have to be. Taylor had gone out of his way to make Torie's life miserable in the past. Trixie had married him and remained by him, even after she'd learned the truth. "I wish I could be like that."

"Be like what? Be like Torie?" When she nodded, he continued. "Girl, you need to be yourself. Find out what it is that you want to do and what you want to be. The only way you're going to do that is by living your life. You're still young, after all, and you've only got one life. So live it."

With that, Jack began to clear away anything that wasn't in use, leaving Trixie alone with her thoughts. Be herself? Isn't that what got her into this mess in the first place?

"Oh, Trixie . . . Torie called last night . . . Speed's in Philadelphia, visiting, and he's doing quite well. He told her to tell you that he misses you . . . and that he's looking forward to seeing you again, once you find your way. His letter should be arriving to the PO Box after you leave here."

Trixie smiled. That had been the best news she'd heard since she left Philadelphia.

'So there is hope at the end of the rainbow. If only I could go to him now. Thank you, Speed. Thank you so much.'


	7. Home Is Where the Heart Is

"Hey, Killer?"

"Yeah, bird?"

"When is this little sojourn of yours going to end?" she asked, stretching out on the futon that served as her bed. They had arrived in Tokyo a week ago but, instead of a hotel, Killer had found an old, traditional Japanese home to rent. The place itself was sparsely furnished. Killer didn't know how long he intended to stay and didn't want to be bogged down with a lot of stuff when he decided to up and move. At least, that's what he told her. She was certain he was doing this just to torment her.

Killer looked up from the paper he was reading and turned his attention to her.

"It ends when you've come full circle."

"Huh?"

"Part of being on a sojourn means you're out to find yourself, right?"

"Yeah . . ." she answered hesitantly.

"The journey ends when you've come full circle, when you've discovered what is that you were out to discover. I take it you're feeling homesick again?"

"A little . . ." she nodded.

"You know there's nothing stopping you from going back home, Trixie."

"I know . . . but I don't feel like I've accomplished what I've set out to do . . ." she sighed.

"And how do you propose that you accomplish what you've set out to do, Trixie?"

"I . . ." To that, she really had no answer. She knew she was on a quest to become a stronger person, so she could return back to Speed but she had no clear ideas beyond that. "I don't know."

"In order to live, you must leave the confines of these walls. Find yourself a job, help out somewhere . . . Push yourself to the limits. Take a chance every now and then, and forget your fear. Do something other than just sit here and think about how homesick you are. That's the only way you're going to know."

Killer turned back to what he was reading, leaving Trixie alone with her thoughts.

'Live a little . . . do something. But what can I do? I've always had it easy . . . and maybe that's the problem. It's settled then. Tomorrow, I find myself a job. No matter how hard it is, I'll stick with it until it's time for us to leave.'

She curled up on the futon and pulled the blanket up to her chin. Closing her eyes, Trixie smiled slightly as she thought about her return home and to Speed . . .

Early the next morning, Trixie rose and went about what was becoming her daily routine. Before breakfast, she stretched on a yoga mat, listening to a New Age artist called Loreena McKennitt. After the yoga session, Trixie showered then ate breakfast. Breakfast was no longer cold pizza and Coca Cola or leftover cheeseburgers from McDonald's but miso soup, green tea, and star fruit.

'Amazing,' she thought, sipping on her tea. 'In one area, Killer is one way but get him out of that environment and he's completely different.'

"Something the matter, bird?"

"Huh?" Trixie blinked, her reverie broken.

"You're staring at me kinda funny. Was just wondering if something's wrong."

"Oh," she chuckled. "No. Just amazed at how you were a party animal in California but here, you eat the same way that the Japanese do."

At that, he laughed.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"Torie get you into this?"

"Kind of," he nodded. "But not really. She likes Japanese food, but she's not the one who got me hooked onto it. It was actually Ryan who got me into Japanese foods."

"Ryan?"

"Yeah. He was half-Japanese, y'know. His great grandmother lived in Kyoto and gave him a few recipes so he could fix them for Torie."

"How did Torie react to that?" Trixie inquired, leaning forward and resting her chin on her hand.

"Oh, Torie loved it. She knows how to speak Japanese and to write it as well, and she already had a Japanese cookbook."

"Torie sounds like she's very open-minded," Trixie commented.

"She tries her best. That's all she can do. It doesn't always work, but she does try," Killer smiled. "That's all anyone can do."

"Yeah . . ."

"So . . . what are you going to do today, bird?"

"Well," Trixie began thoughtfully, "I was thinking of finding a temporary job somewhere but I'm not sure what I'll be able to do . . ."

"Hey, just do the best that you can and give whatever you end up landing the same. You don't know what you can do until you do it."

"Sky's the limit?"

"Sky's the limit," he winked. "Good luck today."

"Thanks."

The sun shone as Trixie stepped out of the little house that she shared with Killer. He had already left for the day but not after taking the time to smell some plant life. Flowers had been planted along the walkway by the previous owners, and Killer stopped every morning to smell at least one of them each time he left. Trixie thought it odd that a grown man like him would take the time to stop and smell the flowers.

'Still, it is something like an age-old adage,' she mused as she bent down and took a delicate sniff. Then she giggled. Lavender mixed with jasmine . . . definitely interesting. 'Better get moving. Can't find a job if I'm sitting here, smelling the flowers.'

She rose quickly and took off. Skipping lightly, Trixie took great care to not bump into anyone on her way through the crowded streets. Japanese people had a funny way of running into others and not stopping to apologize. She couldn't recall the number of times she had been bowled over and had Killer stop her from chewing the offenders out. It took some getting use to but Trixie felt she was getting the hang of it.

As she wandered through the city, she kept pulling out her dictionary, trying to find help wanted signs. But with the people pushing or shoving, she hadn't been able to find any place that was willing to hire her. By the end of the day, her hair had become a mess and her makeup streaked her face. When she got back to the house, Killer had some sushi, couscous salad, and iced tea ready.

"I'd ask how your day went," he had commented, "but I think I can tell. No luck, huh?"

"No," she shook her head, grabbing a tissue. "I couldn't even read the writing in the buildings. And I had my dictionary with me . . ."

"Hey," he took her hand in his and knelt before her. "It's okay. Everyone experiences failure every now and then. You can't let it get you down."

"I know," she sighed. "I'm just not used to this, though."

"We have to suffer some kind of a defeat in order to gain victory. Can't have everything coming up roses. Now come and have something to eat. Even if you don't land a job here, you can at least get out there and see what the place has to offer. Japan isone amazing place."

He set her plate before her but, despite the encouragement Killer had given, Trixie still felt a small pang of homesickness.

'I'll find my way home. I swear I will.'


	8. Pictures of You

"Mail call!"

Trixie lifted her head from the pillow, not daring to hope that she would have anything from Speed. Though Torie had promised her that she'd pass letters back and forth for them, Trixie knew that the postal system took time. Torie lived in Philadelphia. Speed lived in Farmington Hills. And the mail had a funny way of becoming delayed.

"Here you go, bird. One big, fat letter straight from Philadelphia," Killer announced cheerfully, thrusting a large manila envelope towards her. He held in his right hand a small box and, as soon as she had taken her package, sat down to open it.

"I hope I have pictures!" he exclaimed happily, tearing into the box as if it were Christmastime.

"Pictures?" Trixie echoed, her eyes blinking before she realised what he meant. "Oh. You mean of Little Ryan."

Killer nodded enthusiastically.

"Torie says he looks just like his dad. Gerald and Mitsu have been ecstatic since that child was born."

"He's going to be spoiled rotten," she joked lightly, her fingers deftly opening her envelope. Several smaller envelopes spilled out and she sorted through them to see who had written to her.

'Pops, Mom, Spritle,' her head bobbed as she thumbed through. 'Sparky, Speed, Genevieve, Rex, Janine, and Torie.'

Her eyes blinked then darted back to the final envelope. Torie had sent her a letter? Curious, she opened the letter. Several small pictures fluttered onto the bed as Trixie extracted the letter from its keeper, saving Speed's letter for last.

 _Dear Trixie,_

 _Sorry everything is a little late but better late than never, they say. The entire Racer clan, it seemed like, wanted to send you a letter, and, as you could probably guess, I've been very busy with the baby._

 _I sent you a couple of Ryan's baby pictures. I'm not sure if you'd want to see them, though I'm sure Killer would show you his copies anyway. I hope that you like them._

 _Anyway, not much is going on around here. Taylor's finally getting off my case as to your whereabouts so there's a bonus there. The holidays are coming up so the mail is going to be even slower. Also, I'm not sure when the next package is going to be sent, so consider yourself to be forewarned._

 _I'm sorry if this seems rather short and abrupt but I'm not really sure as to what else I can say to you . . . Plus the child is calling for me. The best of luck on your journey._

 _Torie_

Trixie smiled to herself as she read the letter. Killer had once told her that Torie had a funny habit of sending letters with just about everything, except for bill payments. She just couldn't not send something without including a letter of some sort. Gingerly, she picked up the photos Torie had sent her and her smile grew a little softer.

A little baby boy with a wealth of dark hair and a huge grin appeared in them. She hadn't seen many pictures of his father but she could tell that he would grow up to be just as handsome as Ryan had been. What really caught her attention were who others who appeared in the photos. Mom Racer twirled the child in one, Pops' moustache was being pulled in another, and Janine and Sparky were talking while she held the baby, unaware that the camera was on them. But the one that really made her smile was the one of Speed holding the baby, though she couldn't believe how much he had changed.

His hair had grown long during his one-year hospital stay. He had looked good, she thought at the time though she was sure he'd have it cut the first chance he got. The picture she held in her hand proved her both right and wrong. Speed had cut his hair but not as short as she had expected. She could tell that it had been pulled back. A small pony tail jutted out from the back of his head. But his eyes and his smile . . . they had not changed. They were still as bright and as happy as ever.

'He looks almost like he could be the proud father of this child,' she mused idly, setting the pictures down. 'He'll make a great father someday.'

Curling up on the bed, she began to read the rest of her letters.


	9. Letters From Heaven

Trixie smiled and closed her eyes as she folded the letter from Mom Racer back up. The Racer matriarch had definitely not gone out of her way to tell her what she thought or how she felt but she understood why Trixie had felt the need to leave. She also felt grateful to Torie for the offer of sending letters and anything else that they wanted to send.

'At least she didn't get harsh,' Trixie thought as she reached for Speed's letter. 'She could have and she'd have every right to. Especially after the way I hurt Speed that day.'

Slowly, she opened the final letter, her hands shaking slightly. This was it. This would be the letter that would let her know just how Speed truly felt. She knew from Rex's letter that Speed and Torie had grown close and that Taylor had been hounding Torie for Trixie's whereabouts. Sparky and Janine's letters also had mentioned Taylor harassing Speed and how they were getting annoyed with it. But one theme had rung true through every letter from her family and friends. They missed her and they wished her well on her journey. With a couple of flips, her eyes fell on the words that Speed had written to her.

 _Dear Trixie,_

 _I'm hoping that this letter finds you in good spirits once again. I'm glad that your trip to California had been a blast and, no, I'm not offended that you thought I was uptight about driving. I have to admit that I was but then I was a professional racer and I took a lot of things seriously. Maybe a little too seriously. But I'm getting better about it._

 _Anyway, I'd like to say not much is going on around here but that'd be a lie. There's plenty going on with physical therapy and Little Ryan (I've been helping Torie with him). The doctors say I'll be driving soon but it's a bittersweet victory that I've gained. I'll be able to drive but never race again. It doesn't bother me as bad as I thought it would. I know it's going to devastate Pops when I tell him but, if there's one thing I've learned from Torie and her friends, there are always other possibilities out there. I just have to be open about them and go wherever life takes me. I'm actually very excited about the possibilities. I've taken a couple of tests and I've applied at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. I'll be starting after the first of the year and Torie's been nice enough to let me move in with her so I don't have to stay in the dorms. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do but I know that, no matter what, the experience will be well worth it, especially when I get to see you again._

 _Take care of yourself and live a little, Trixie. Don't be afraid of what the day brings. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel . . . or so James says. I'm not sure where Torie finds these people but they're fun._

 _Love,_

 _Speed_

 _PS I still love you, Trixie. I always will. Nothing will ever change that. Find what you need to find. I'll still be here._

Trixie smiled softly as she folded the letter. Not one word about Taylor in his letter. For some reason, it struck her as odd that he hadn't complained once about Taylor pestering him. Trixie stretched out on the bed, her eyes falling on the pictures Torie had sent her.

'Maybe he just doesn't want me to worry, even though I'm always going to worry about him. Nothing will ever change that. Still, I think he'll make a good father. I just hope he doesn't get too attached to Little Ryan should Torie find someone new.'

Trixie turned onto her back, her eyes studying the ceiling. The tiles were white, plain. Blank, one could say.

'Just like my future. But I'll tackle it. Head on,' her smile grew wider.

"Hey Killer?"

"Yeah, bird?"

"Where's our next destination?"

"Haven't really decided yet, bird. I've some thoughts, but nothing concrete. Why?"

"Oh, I was just wondering."

"Why?" He stood and moved towards her.

"I was just wondering, okay?"

"No . . ." He sat next to her. "You sound like you're anxious to move on to the next place."

"Well," she chuckled. "I guess I am."

They fell silent and she could tell that he was studying her face.

"You have a sparkle in your eyes. Penny for your thoughts?"

"Speed's going back to school after the first of the year . . ."

"And?" he prompted.

"He told me to live a little . . ."

"Haven't you been?" Killer inquired, drawing his knees up to his chest. His arms hung loosely over his legs.

"I thought I had . . . but his letter has me thinking . . . Maybe I haven't been. I mean, he's probably received the worst news he could ever receive yet it's not upsetting him as much as he thought it would. His future has become a blank slate, he doesn't know what he wants to do, but he's looking forward to what the future will bring."

"Living with Torie tends to do that to people and she doesn't even realize it," he nodded.

"You know then?"

"She told me in her letter that he and Jack were living there now. They both have been since we left California."

"That must be what Pops is upset about," Trixie commented idly. "I thought he seemed that way in his letter."

"It's Speed's life. He can't live with them forever," Killer pointed out. "I mean, I get why he'd be upset, and I can't say as I blame him. I can't imagine the hell they went through while he was in that coma. But he does need to ease up, just a bit. Otherwise, he's going to end up losing Speed again, and it'll be worse than if Speed were dead. Know what I mean?"

"I know but Philadelphia is quite a leap."

"True but Torie won't care if Speed calls them every day. So long as he doesn't tie up the line all day, that is."

Trixie giggled some.

"So he's going back to school, huh?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "He said he isn't sure what he's going to do study, but he's open to what possibilities come to him."

"That's good. He'll have a better chance of finding something that'll suit him."

"Uh huh."

"And, in answer to your question, Trixie, I was planning on leaving in two weeks. I wasn't going to say anything right away because I wasn't sure as to how you felt about leaving right away. But my work visa here will expire before too much longer."

"We've been here for a month."

"I know. The longest I've been in Japan but there's something happening in China in the next couple of weeks and I want to be there for that. After that . . . I don't know."

"We'll figure something out," Trixie assured him. "This is our little journey, isn't it? We can go wherever the wind takes us."

 _Fin_


End file.
